woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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