what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
