My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
