TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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