My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
i've created a new STD.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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