JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
