So drunk its hurt
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
