home. puking in laundry basket.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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