Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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