I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
