Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
