I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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