I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
