I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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