Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize