I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I want to make a zoo with you.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
