he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
