is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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