My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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