I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
