If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize