I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
