two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
