It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
