why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
