Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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