The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My life is pants optional.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
