WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
