Will you blow on my dice?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize