i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is Oprah even human
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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