I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
