just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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