Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
