Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
