is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
