i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
God I need to hump something, right now.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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