dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
