I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
operation harelip BJ is a go
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
