Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
