one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize