I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
