All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
