the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
