My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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