i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
