This is not my ceiling
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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