Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
