capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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