Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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