You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
