Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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