my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The uberlube is also flammable
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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