My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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