My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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