I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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