I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
